Down The Rabbit Hole: How to Spot Pollution in China

While pollution is a serious problem in China, it is not one that local leaders like to own up to. As such, it can often be quite difficult for foreigners to tell if their little corner of China is heavily polluted, or if the local lake glows at night because "China has 5000 years of history".

So, for your reading pleasure, here is ACB's definitive guide on "How to tell if your town has a pollution problem"

Your town is polluted if:

You can develop film by running it under your kitchen faucet

Local umbrellas and sun-cream both have Rad rating instead of a UV ratings

You're out-of-town mother-in-law runs her finger over the top of your dresser to check how clean a house you keep. The next day her finger falls off.

You invite some foreign friends over for diner but the only ones who show up are former power plant workers in Chernobyl. They feel homesick when you tell them how lovely the glow of the river is at this time of year

You invited some foreign friends over for dinner. The ones from Los Angeles and Detroit felt right at home. The ones from San Francisco dissolved after 15 minutes

An out of town friend comments on how beautifully the towns street lighting is, but changes their mind when you inform them that it's just the glow from the local lake.

You have no fear of street crime, but you always carry a can of weed-killer in your purse to ward of the Triffids

you think that "The Toxic Avenger" was a documentary

You think that "Eight Legged Freaks" was based on a true story, and can point out at least 6 scenes that actually happened to people living in your neighborhood

Your neighbor looses a finger in an industrial accident, but it quickly grows back

Your neighbor looses a finger in an industrial accident. Your neighbor is OK, but the finger was last seen rampaging through down-town Manhattan

You blow your nose, and UN weapons inspectors confiscate your handkerchief

Your neighbor spits on the sidewalk and the phloem stats to eat through the asphalt
 
You remember when the Yellow river really was yellow, and blue, and green

The cat leaves a dead mouse on the threshold. After 5 hour minutes a man from the PSB turns up with a thick pair of gloves and a plastic bag to confiscate the mouse. After 10 minutes the military police turns up with a big box and a large pair of tong and confiscate the cat. After 15 minutes threshold has gone, too. Your not certain who took it because their hazmat suits obscured their uniforms.

Finally:

The local party secretary and the had of the PSB both drive Volkswagens, but the head of environmental protection has a chauffeur driven a Rolls-Royce

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