The Great Mascot Conspiracy

Down The Rabbit Hole: The Great Mascot Conspiracy

 
Using material recently gained from top-secret Government reports and scurrilous liberal blogs run by ill informed people, Angry Chinese Blogger can, for the first time ever, reveal the shocking story of espionage, insanity and Intellectual property, that it "The truth about China’s Olympic mascots".

The Conspiracy

Contrary to the conventional wisdom; that Beijing’s decision to pick 5 individual Olympic mascots was scheme to extort five times more money from dumb white tourists, Angry Chinese Blogger can now exclusively reveal that China’s Olympic Mascots are part of a conspiracy, reaching to the highest levels of the Chinese and American governments. A conspiracy to conceal the existance, and operations to hunt down, a rogue unit of American covert operatives.

MASCOT

According to reports, what have been billed as 5 ‘friendly mascots’ for the 2008 Olympics are, in actual fact, members of an elite force of genetically enhanced US ‘super soldier’, operating deep inside Chinese territory.

The team, code-named MASCOT; Mighty American, Subservient China, Obedient Taiwan, are a group of 5 elite commandos who were enhanced at the genetic level using a combination of animal DNA, experimental radioactive isotopes, and design sketches for cell phone screen buddies, to enhance their fighting and infiltration abilities, and to give them so-called ‘super powers’.

The team was hand picked by the highest ranks of the CIA, and inserted into China early in 2005. They were originally intended to infiltrate Chinese society, posing as foreign teachers and South Korean politicians (hence their outlandish appearance), and were assigned four primary mission goals.

• To bring down the Chinese Government through the raising of dissent and the disruption of command and control capabilities
• To seek out defectors within Chinese civil and military structures
• To plant false communications that will scare Taiwanese authorities into buying more US arms
• To enforce RIAA death warrants.

Their first official mission, to scare Taipai into buying more US weapons, and the EU out of selling weapons to China, by encouraging Beijing to pass an aggressive ‘anti-succession law’ was a resounding success. As were 43 subsequent missions to carry out RIAA ‘Termination Orders’ against Chinese file sharers. However, from there on, things rapidly deteriorated.

In August, 4 of the 5 members of MASCOT suffered what has been classified as ‘serious mental instability’ after being exposed to copious amounts of MSG for an extended period, an eventuality that was apparently never considered by US intelligence officials.

Little is known about Mascot’s current status, or their actions over the last 3 and a half months, except that they have apparently deserted their primary mission and gone ‘rogue’. Vanishing among China’s ex-pat communities, where their outlandish garbs, bizarrely contorted features, and inability to get out of bed before 2pm, have allowed them to blend in almost seamlessly.

Team Profile

Though information about MASCOT is scarce, and their existence has been denied by Beijing, Washington (now a subsidiary of Haliburton) and the RIAA. Some information has been gleaned from official communiqués and scribbling found on restaurant napkins.

From this information, Angry Chinese Blogger has been able to construct a dossier on MASCOT, and to put together limited profiles for each of its members. It has also obtained the one and only authentic and unedited picture of the team still in existance.

Mighty American, Subservient China, Obedient Taiwan

Each of the MASCOT team members has a codename ranging from Weapon X 1 to Weapon X 5, and can be identified by the characteristics given to them by their animal DNA.

• Weapon X1: Huanhuan, Zippo Lighter (Rumored to be an Olympic Flame)
• Weapon X2: Jingjing, Edible Panda
• Weapon X3: Beibei, Carp
• Weapon X4: Nini, Swallow
• Weapon X5: Yingying, Tibetan Antelope

Weapon X1

An overseas Chinese, weapon X1 was originally trained, by the CIA, as a commando in order to help Taiwan to cede from the mainland, but was transferred to the MASCOT team when the Washington realized selling arms to a semi-independent Taiwan was better for the US economy that actually doing anything that would allow it to become independent.

Weapon X’s strength has been greatly enhanced beyond the levels of the other MASCOTs and he has ability to fire heat rays from both his eyes and anus. He is also completely impervious to all forms spicy food and cannot be subdued by means of pepper spray or Sichuan curry.

After exposure to MSG, Weapon X1 was the first to show signs of mental instability and, in particular, is believed to have developed an obsession with the Chinese concept of ‘Face’.

Little is known about Weapon X1’s habits or tendencies except that he likes nachos and that he suffers from bloomophilia; the compulsive desire to snatch white cotton panties warn by petit Asian Women.

Weapon X2

Males are urged to be particularly aware of Weapon X2, an electronic espionage specialist, who has been described as being ‘a hyper sexual Panda’.

A rash of calls by women, offering “massages” to hotel patrons, has lead Chinese authorities to believe that Weapon X2 may currently be in the Puxi area of Shanghai. As yet, western intelligence sources remain skeptical as to the validity of these leads. Chinese security services assured Beijing that the calls, mostly made between 1 and 2 AM, must be the work of a foreign agent because “No Chinese women would ever do that”.

Additionally, Weapon X2 has the power to fly without mechanical aid, and to use squat toilets without falling over backwards.

Weapon X3

Weapons X3 is an explosive expert who was originally trained to infiltrate and destroy fake Nike factories, food convoys bound for North Korea, and buildings containing civilian.

Unlike the other three operatives, Weapon X3 is not thought to be suffering from MSG induced mental instability, but is instead believed to have been infused with the belief that he is Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi Junichiro, after he was accidentally exposed to an issue of the Sankei News that Beijing forgot to censor.

As such, security forces are basing their capture strategy on the premise that Weapon X3 is likely to seek out war criminals and the tombs of mass murderers in order to glorify them in ways that are never fully explained by the Chinese media.

Though Weapon X3’s present whereabouts and intent remain unknown, there have been persistent reports from North East China of a ‘giant’ or ‘hideously mutated’ carp like creature roaming the countryside and apologizing at random to complete strangers.

Chinese officials have however dismissed these reports and are discouraging their dissemination.

There have also been indications that Weapon X3 may have, on several occasions, tried to reform the welfare state system, and to privatize China Post.

Weapon X3’s special abilities include super speed, naturally occurring synthetic aperture Gaydar, and the power to link completely random events together and determine that they must be a terrorist plot again the US.

Weapon X4

Weapon X4 differs from her fellow MASCOT in that she was modified from birth rather than later on in life. She has no enhanced physical strengths or abilities but instead has been bred for enhanced mental abilities. Her powers include:

• Telepathy: the ability to read minds, which has been greatly enhanced by the fact that Chinese only think about four things (Face, sex, whatever the Government is telling them to think at that specific time, and Japan).

• Telekinesis: The ability to move small objects through the power of the mind.

• Temporal-Precognition: The ability to predict the future.

• Propagando-precognition: The ability to predict which line of bull the Chinese Government will come out with next.

Since her exposure to MSG, Weapon X4 is known to have become increasingly distressed about her inability to control her mind reading powers, and is believed likely to head to areas were no conscious human thought takes place. As such, Chinese middle schools have been asked to be on the lookout for a freakishly large swallow like creature, and extra guards have been placed around the offices of CCTV 1.

Weapons X5

Weapon X5 was the chief MASCOT linguist. He is a fluent Chinese speaker and is conversant in many Chinese verbal arts that seem either completely incomprehensible, or completely pointless, to foreign onlookers.

Even before the MSG incident, Weapon X5 was the least mentally stable of the MASCOT. A former postal worker; Weapon X5 joined the MASCOT team, taking on the guise of a Tibetan Antelope, as a means of escaping years of being teased for his inane smile and resemblance a Thunderbird’s marionette that had been allowed to sit in the sun for too long.

During basic training, the pressures of learning the Chinese language, mastering the ability to eat peanuts with Chopsticks, and remembering not to write with his left hand, became too much for Weapon X5, and he began to suffer delusions, in particular that he was a Canadian named Mark Rowswell. However, despite this obvious mental aberration, Weapon X5 was allowed to join the active service rosta and was dispatched with the MASCOT team.

Shortly after being exposed to MSG, it is believed that Weapon X5 ‘went native’; suffering the terrifying mental affectation of believing that the Chinese system worked, and that the Government was a nice friendly regime with its people’s best interests at heart.

Weapon X5’s possesses the same enhanced strength and senses of the other MASCOT agents, plus a frightening array of linguistic powers, including:

• The ability to render an opponent senseless through the performance of Cross-Talk

• The ability to simultaneously feed bull to 1.3 billion people while grinning and waiving his head around like a madman

• The ability to be instantly disliked by Ex-Pats, yet be loved by Chinese

• Weapon X5 also possesses an advance cloaking ability, allowing him to be instantly recognizable in China, yet utterly obscure in the rest of the world.

Authorities have however noted that, despite his ‘native’ stance, Weapon X5’s family is currently located in the west.

Weapon X5 was last seen accepting a large bribe in Canada; shortly after making a film to promote federalism that included no mention of federalism. He is currently thought to be resident in China, where he has been employed by the ministry of propaganda to promote the belief that whites can’t see anything wrong with imprisoning farmers who complain about corrupt officials steeling their chicken.

tags: conspiracy  america  mascot  olympic games  japan  comedy  olympic mascot  china  2008  humor  imperialism  beijing olympics  espionage  cia  

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