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The Great Mascot Conspiracy
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In 2005, and to a great fanfare, China unveiled the Five Friendlies (Now the Five Fuwa). 5 garishly colored characters which were to be the official mascots for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games.
At the time it appeared obvious to all that Beijing had picked five mascots: rather than the usual one, as part of a scheme to make 5 times the royalties of a single mascot, and to extort five times more money from dumb foreign tourists who wanted to own a complete set of merchandise. However, using material recently gained from top-secret Government reports, scurrilous liberal blogs, and from numerous ill informed bystanders, Angry Chinese Blogger can now reveal the shocking truth about the Five Fuwa. A story of espionage, insanity and Intellectual property that will shock and amaze readers of all ages.
The Truth?
Far from being a simple marketing gimmick, the Five Fuwa are the center-point of a two-fold international conspiracy. A conspiracy by Washington to insert covert operatives into China, and a conspiracy by Beijing to cover up this gross lapse of security.
M.A.S.C.O.T
During the early 1980s the US began a program to recruit and train a force of elite genetically enhanced "super soldier" with the aim of inserting them deep inside Chinese territory to carry out a variety of top secret missions.
This program culminated in the creation of an above- top-secret team code-named MASCOT; Mighty American, Subservient China, Obedient Taiwan.
The team consisted of five elite commandos who were enhanced at the genetic level using a combination of animal DNA, experimental radioactive isotopes, and design sketches for cell phone screen buddies. Each was highly trained in covert operations and possessed so-called "super powers": Abilities so far above and beyond the human norm that they could be almost be considered paranormal in nature.
Members of MASCOT were hand picked by the highest ranks of the CIA and inserted into China in 2004. Their original mission was to infiltrate Chinese society, posing as Western foreign teachers and South Korean politicians (hence their outlandish appearance), and were assigned four primary mission goals.
- To bring down the Chinese Government through the raising of dissent and the disruption of command and control capabilities
- To seek out defectors within Chinese civil and military structures and to bring them over to Washington's side
- To plant false communications that will scare Taiwanese authorities into buying more US arms
- To enforce RIAA death warrants.
At first things went well. Their first mission: To scare Taipei into buying more US weapons, and the EU out of selling weapons to China, by encouraging Beijing to pass an aggressive "anti-succession law" was a resounding success. As were 122 subsequent missions to carry out RIAA "Termination Orders" against Chinese file sharers. However, from there on things rapidly went into a rapid spiral.
Within a matter of months of their insertion into China, 4 of the 5 members of MASCOT began to suffer from what has since been classified as "serious mental instability" after being exposed to significant amounts of MSG for an extended period: An eventuality that was apparently never considered by US intelligence officials.
Spokesperson, CIA.
Little is known about Mascot’s current status, their state of mind, or their actions since, they went rogue, save for the fact that they have apparently abandoned their primary mission and have vanished amongst China’s ex-pat communities. Where their outlandish garbs, bizarrely contorted features, and inability to get out of bed before 2pm have allowed them to blend in almost seamlessly.
Man seen scratching private parts while standing behind the counter of a Government office, China
Team Profile
Though information about MASCOT is scarce, and their existence has been denied by Beijing, Washington (now a subsidiary of Haliburton) and the RIAA, some information has been gleaned from official communiques, liberal blogs, and scribbling found on restaurant napkins. As well as numerous ill informed sources, some of whom may or may not have been drunk at the time.
From this information, Angry Chinese Blogger has been able to construct a dossier on MASCOT, and to put together limited profiles for each of its members. ACB has also obtained the one and only authentic and unedited picture of the team still in existence.
Mighty American, Subservient China, Obedient Taiwan
The Team
Each member of MASCOT has a codename ranging from Weapon X1 to Weapon X 5, and can be identified by the characteristics given to them by their animal DNA. All possess enhanced strength, speed and agility, though some possess them in greater quantity than others.
| Code Name | Designation | DNA Profile | Position |
| Weapon X1 | Huanhuan | Zippo Lighter (Rumored to be an Olympic Flame) | Team Leader |
| Weapon X2 | Jingjing | Edible Panda | Electronic Espionage |
| Weapon X3 | Nini | Swallow | Explosive Expert |
| Weapon X4 | Beibei | Carp | Telepath |
| Weapon X5 | Yingying | Tibetan Antelope | linguist |
Weapon X1
| Name | Huanhuan |
| Position | Team Leader |
| DNA | Zippo Lighter |
| Abilities | Enhanced Strength, endurance and agility Heat based attack Specialized immunities |
| Profile | An overseas Chinese, Weapon X1 was originally trained and recruited by the CIA who intended to deploy him as a commando in order to help Taiwan to cede from the mainland. However he was later transfered to MASCOT after Washington concluded that America had more to gain from selling weapons to a semi-independent Taiwan than from actually doing anything that would enable Taiwan to become independent Weapon X’s strength, agility and endurance have greatly enhanced beyond the levels of an ordinary human, and exceed the levels of all other MASCOT members. Making him a formidable fighter. In addition to his super strength Weapon X1 has the ability to fire heat rays from both his eyes and anus. This adaptation also render him completely impervious to all forms spiciness, and he thus cannot be subdued by means of pepper spray or Sichuan curry. |
| Instability | After exposure to MSG, Weapon X1 was the first team member to show signs of mental instability. In particular he developed an obsession with the Chinese concept of "Face". “If you make him loose his, he will kick you in yours.” Ill Informed Bystander, Some Chinese village or other Little else is known about Weapon X1's particular instability except that it drives him to eat nachos and it also causes him to suffer from Bloomophilia; the compulsive desire to snatch white cotton panties warn by petite Asian Women. |
| Status | Weapon X1's current status is unknown. He was last heard of in Beijing where he is reported to be running with a gang of student panty thieves who are illegally exporting soiled Chinese undies for the Japanese pervert market. “He took my wife’s panties and sold them for a small fortune on eBay. I wouldn’t mind so much, but he refused to take her as well” Man waiting in visa queue, trying to get out of China Latest reports also indicate that Weapon X1 may have made contact with members of the McCain campaign team. When questioned about apparent connections campaign members strenuously denied that they were attempting to purchase soiled panties in bulk, or that they intended to plant them on political rival Barack Obama as part of a campaign to tarnish his reputation. Investigators though that this was odd, since they hadn't mentioned anything about Barack Obama. In fact at that point they hadn't even mentioned soiled panties. |
Weapon X2
| Name | Jingjing |
| Position | Edible Panda |
| DNA | Electronic Espionage |
| Abilities | Electropath Flight Squatopath |
| Profile | Weapon X2 is the MASCOT electronics and electronic espionage expert. Using Panda DNA as a base US scientists were able to create an operative who can generate and control electrical current. Initially it was intended that this enhancement would allow the DNA recipient to launch electrically based attack such as lightning bolts, and and to be able to administer lethal electric shocks via their hands and buttocks. However when the program failed to achieve its desired results the research was redirected into the ability to control electrical current within the DNA recipient's own body. Thus Weapon X2 was equipped with a variety of cybernetic implants that their DNA enhancements allows her to control, giving weapon X2 the ability to interface with and control any electircal device within 3 meters of their body Weapon X2's natural electro magnetic field also allows then to repuls gravity. Giving them the ability to fly, and to use squat toilets without falling over backwards: An invaluable tool for any foreigner in China. |
| Instability | Weapon X2 developed a distinct form of instability early on in the genetic modification process, causing her to become what experts have described as "A Hyper Sexual Panda". This instability was thought to have been corrected, but has since reemerged due to exposure to MSG. “From her initial genetic modification, we found X2 to have been infused with an insatiably desire to mate with sleazy Chinese businessmen with over sized egos and undersized genitalia. However, in her current [MSG induced] state of mind, she may also resort to mating with students, drunken white tourists, and people’s legs.” Chinese Spy working in a Top Secret defense facility, US |
| Status | Weapon X2's current location is uncertain, but a rash of calls by women offering “massages” to hotel patrons has lead Chinese authorities to believe that Weapon X2 may currently be in the Puxi area of Shanghai. As yet, western intelligence sources remain skeptical as to the validity of these lead, though Chinese security services assure Beijing that the calls - mostly made between 1 and 2 AM - must be the work of a foreign agent because “No Chinese women would ever do that”. |
Weapon X3
| Name | Nini |
| Position | Sniper, Explosives Expert |
| DNA | Swallow (Non-Plague bearing) |
| Abilities | Synthetic Apature Gaydar Neo-Conopath |
| Profile | Weapons X3 is CIA trained Sniper and explosive expert who was originally recruited to infiltrate and destroy fake Nike factories, food convoys bound for North Korea, and buildings containing civilian. Upon joining MASCOT his mission parameters were expanded to carrying out RIAA death warrants. He has 98 confirmed file sharer kills in China, along, with 43 confirmed kills amongst legal music purchasers whom could not locate receipts for 8 track Cassettes that they purchased 30 year ago, 294 confirmed kills of people whose IP addresses resembled those of file shares, and 29 confirmed kills from civil liberties campaigners who dared to question the legality of a recording industry body issuing John Does death warrents. |
| Instability | Unlike the other three operatives, Weapon X3 is not thought to be suffering from MSG induced mental instability. Instead he is believed to have been infused with the belief that he is former Japanese Prime Minister Koizumi Junichiro, after he was accidentally exposed to an issue of the Sankei News that Beijing forgot to censor. As such, security forces are basing their strategy for capturing Weapon X3 on the premise that he is likely to seek out war criminals and the tombs of mass murderers in order to glorify them in ways that are never fully explained by the Chinese media. “In light of this information, authorities have posted a 24-hour guard around Chairman Mao’s mausoleum and will be providing extra security during President Bush’s forthcoming visit to China. They have also advised member of Walt Disney’s board of directors to avoid any non-essential travel to China.” Spokesperson, Halliburton, Beneficiary of Aggressive US Foreign Policy |
| Status | Though Weapon X3’s present whereabouts and intent remain unknown, there have been persistent reports from North East China of a ‘giant’ or ‘hideously mutated’ Swallow like creature roaming the countryside and apologizing at random to complete strangers.Chinese officials have however dismissed these reports and are discouraging their dissemination. “These so-called sightings are baseless lies propagated by foreigners, separatists, and foreigners in league with separatists. Anybody found circulating them will be shot for revealing state secrets” Communist Lackey, Beijing There have also been indications that Weapon X3 may have, on several occasions, tried to reform China's welfare state system, and to privatize China Post. |
Weapon X4
| Name | Beibei | |
| Position | Telepath | |
| DNA | Carp | |
| Abilities | Telepath Telekinisis Temporal-Precognition Propaganda-Precognition Martial Arts Expert | |
| Profile | Weapon X4 differs from her fellow MASCOT in that she was modified from birth rather than later on in life. She has no enhanced physical strengths or abilities but instead has been bred for enhanced mental abilities. Her powers include, Telepathy, Telekinisis, Temporal-precognition, and Propoganda-Precognition. Weapon X4 is also a martial arts expert. Weapon X4 is a natural telepath. Her powers are considered to be pronounce in America but are greatly enhanced in China due to the fact that most Chinese only ever thing about four things (Face, sex, whatever the Government is telling them to think at that specific time, and Japan). As with all telekenetics, Weapon X4 also possesses the power to move small-to mid-sized objects with her mind. In addition to her naturally occurring powers Weapon X4 has several powers derived from her Carp DNA, these include Temporal Precognition and Propoganda-Precognition. Her Temporal-Precognition grants Weapon X4 the ability to see a short distance into the future. She is thus able to predict the moves of an opponent before they make them, giving her the appearance of super-human reflexes above and beyond those of the other members of MASCOT, When combined with her martial arts training this makes her a formidable fighter. Weapon X4 can also see several days into the future, though this ability is sporadic at best and her visions are often unclear. Often making them unreliable except as a general guide to events that are to come. Her last know prediction was that America would horribly offend the Arab world. A prediction so vague that it could apply to an average of 57 incidents per day, every day, since that day that it was made. In addition to her Temporal-Precognition, Weapon X4 possesses Propaganda-Precognition, an ability which allows her to predict which line of bull the Chinese government will come out with next on any given issue. | |
| Instability | Since her exposure to MSG, Weapon X4's abilities have greatly increased in power, though at the cost of her ability to control them. Specifically, Weapon X4 now finds it increasingly difficult to shut out the thoughts of others. Something which caused her great distress | |
| Status | Due to this distress it is believed that Weapon X4 is likely to head to areas were little of no conscious human thought takes place. As such, Chinese middle schools have been asked to be on the lookout for a freakishly large carp like creature and extra guards have been placed around the offices of CCTV 1. |
Weapon X5
| Name | Ying Ying |
| Position | Linguist |
| DNA | Tibetan Antelope |
| Abilities | Enhanced Senses Advanced Linguistic Abilities Cross-Cultural Cloaking |
| Profile | Weapon X5 was chosen to be MASCOT's chief linguist and is a fluent in both Mandarin and Cantonese to a high native level. He is also fluent in numerous Mainland dialects, and is conversant in many Chinese verbal arts that seem either completely incomprehensible, or completely pointless, to foreign onlookers. Weapon X5's powers include enhanced strength and agility that are second only to Weapons X1's. He also possesses numerous advanced linguistic abilities including the ability to render an opponent senseless through the performance of Cross-Talk. The ability to simultaneously feed bull to 1.3 billion people while grinning and waiving his head around like a madman. |
| Instability | Even before being exposed to MSG Weapon X5 was the least mentally stable of the MASCOT. During basic training, the pressures of learning the Chinese language, mastering the ability to eat peanuts with Chopsticks, and remembering not to write with his left hand, became too much for Weapon X5, and he began to suffer delusions, in particular that he was a Canadian named Mark Rowswell. However, despite this obvious and terrible mental aberration, Weapon X5 was allowed to join the active service rosta and was dispatched to China with MASCOT. |
| Status | Unlike other MASCOT members who have remained in China since their MSG exposure, Weapon X5 is believed to have crossed the border several times. The last confirmed sighting was last in Canada, where he was seen accepting a large bribe: shortly after making a film to promote federalism that included no mention of federalism. "If he loves China so much, why are his children attending a western school and why does his wife live in a western apartment and shop in western stores." Curtain twitching neighbor with a night vision headset, House opposite Weapon X5's House, Canada. |
Lies, all lies! It's all just a harmless conspiracy theory! (signed:
Harold (Hal) Burton)