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The Rabbit Hole: 101 things not to say in China, Part 2
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In honor of the 101 comments received by the previous post, here is the sequel. A treasure trove of things not to say in China that is filled to the brim with ideas mercilessly looted from my comments section. Do you like Chinese food? (The Horses Mouth) • Only when I’m constipated • Only when I want to turn my bowels inside out • Just as long as I can’t see the kitchen that it was cooked in • Just as long as there is more meat than bone • Hog fat on a stick anybody? • I like anything that comes with fortune cookies • I wonder why sharks fin soup is called sharks fin soup? • Who cares if it’s an endangered species, just so long as it tastes good • That’s odd; there doesn’t seem to be as many stray animals around here as there used to be Correct Answer: Yes, but I've just eaten. Have you tried Peiking Duck? (SDAsia, Ian) • Peeking Duck, that’s animal porn, right? • I had a Peiking duck wrap in KFC once, does that count? • No, I don’t hold with eating filthy foreign food • No, my pet mallard would never forgive me for eating his relative • Mr. Quack-Quack says that I must hurt you now • Any answer involving ‘Yes, but ..’ Correct Answer: Yes, it was good, but I’ve just eaten. Do you know 大山 (Dashan)? (The Horses Mouth) • Dashan, that’s a mountain, right? • Isn’t he Chairman Mao’s adopted son? • You mean the Canadian who got caught taking an 8 million dollar bride the other day? • Annoying Canadian, big ears, looks like a marionette, yep I know him. • I think he hit on my sister once. • The Goebbels of China? yep, I know him. • (Heard inside own head) “YOU WILL KILL 大山 • The Son of 大山 must not become a Jedi • You mean that annoying Japanese guy that pretends to be Canadian? Correct answer: Yes, we are great friends, he speaks good Chinese What did you do on National day? (BLK) • National day, that’s like Independence Day, right? • National day big party celebrating freedom from oppression? … Was that when Mao finally dropped dead? • I went to find some nationalists • Is that October 1 or October 10? • I skipped the country Correct answer: Hail China, hail the PRC, I laid a wreath on the graves of the great Chinese heroes. Are you married? (Huan, Dave) • No, It’s cheaper to rent these days • No, Hookers don’t moan when you forget you anniversary • Why, are you offering? • 你好水手 • Yes, to three different people in three different countries • Yes, but only in Massachusetts • My husband/wife died a horrible agonizing death exactly one year ago. I tried to call the authorities but they wouldn’t do anything … nobody would do anything … they let him/her die … I hate them ….. Talking about it makes me a little …….. cRaZy. • (Hiding shovel guiltily and dusting off clothing), Not anymore. Correct Answer: Yes, I have a lovely husband/wife and am in no way looking to marry your cousin Why don’t you have a Chinese husband/boyfriend/wife/girlfriend? (Huan) • My mother won’t let me • I ordered one, but they haven't arrived yet • Why do you thing I came here? • I do, she’s at home scrubbing the hearth/he’s working in the salt mines • I had one, but they died …. Mysteriously • I’m trying for an American, come back when a Chinese Greencard is actually useful for something. • I’m gay • 推し量る Correct Answer: I’m not interested I marrying your cousin/best friend You are an American?/Are you an American? (Tuur) • Are you saying that I’m FAT? • 我不是美国人， 我是中国人， 你是美国人 • Only if you’re not with the PSB • Only if you believe me when I say that you can get a US Greencard a lot faster if you sleep with an American? • Yes, and I’d love to spend hours helping a complete stranger to improve their English • Yes, and I’d love to have my picture taken with you, and your sister, and your eight cousins, and the twenty other random people who have cameras handy • Yes, and I happen to work for that company that is selling those F-16s to Taiwan, isn’t that cool • I’m part Chinese American, my grandfather fought for the KMT • Yes, an’ my pappy whipped your hinnies good an’ proper in Korea, yes sir’eee. Correct Answer: Not if it means that you’re going to jack the price of those dodgy DVDs up a notch You can write with your left hand? (SDAsia) • Yes, of course. Only intellectually backwards fools can’t • Yes, did you know that it has been proven that left handed people are more intelligent and more creative than right handed people? … Most Chinese are right handed, aren’t they? • My right hand was cut off when I lived in Saudi • I save my right hand for my late night ‘private time’ • (Panicked) shush, he might hear you. …. (to own hand) No, Mr. Left, he wasn’t looking at you, he’s a nice man, please don’t make me hurt him … not with the shovel Mr. Left, no … I won’t do it, I won’t do it, not like all the others, Noooooooo. Correct Answer: Yes, all foreigners can. How can I improve my English? • By asking me inane questions every time you see me in the street • By coming to visit me in America, here’s my address • By doing something other than memorizing vocabulary • Listen to 大山, he speak good good English • By shouting hello at foreigners and then asking if they have been to Beijing • By hanging around on the dockside in Hong Kong and talking to the sailor when the Hornet task force comes in to re supply • By drinking a lot and then coming to up to my apartment Correct Answers: By talking to some OTHER foreigner/听不懂 Do you like Beijing Opera? • Yes, but I also like enemas • I like Beijing Duck and Phantom of the Opera • If it doesn’t have fat Italian Chick with big boobs in it, then it’s not opera • Men with squeaky voices jumping around the place in make-up, it sounds a bit gay if you ask me. • Yes, I love to sit through 3 hours of incomprehensible dialogue about how much some dead poet guy loves the color orange. Correct Answer: Likening Beijing Opera is compulsory for foreigners, but it is illegal to invite us to watch it with you. How much money do you make? (Dave) • I could buy you’re A*& • My monthly salary accounts for half of the Chinese national debt • It takes 50 armed guards and two security vans to deliver my salary each month • Everything that I am wearing was made in China, except for my Rolex • I’m a civil servant; they pay me in crack and hookers • I’m with the PSB; I earn a ‘bonus’ for each person that I shake down • I’m with the PLA; the money isn’t great, but I can supplement it by selling arms to Pakistan on the black market Correct Answer: If you were me, you'd be living in Vancouver by now/Capitalism Rocks |
One glaring ommision.
Do you like/know Yao Ming?
*Does that have dog
in it?
*Is that the slow guy that plays for the Rockets?
*I hate
basketball and everyone who plays it.
*Oh, that tall Japanese
fellow?
*No.
CA: Yes. He is a very good basketball player.[then stab self in eye with chopstick to prevent further conversation]
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
No seriously....哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈
Great post!!
Visit me @ http://thehorsesmouth.blog-city.com
I love the "Are you American?" one, especially the "Fat" response!
In response to that very question, I once managed to convince a street vendor that my father was an ethnic Korean from China's North East. I really had her going for about 5 minutes, too. It was fantastic. I think she thought it accounted for my not-totally-proper chinese accent.
I'm as ethnically European as they come.
it is funny, i used to ask questions like that when i was a teenager at
school, u know, it is an honor to speak english to a native speaker, and
even better if seen by one's classmates, the overall situation makes those
inane questioners. i can assure u many of them are not as foolish as the
questions u listed. and the contempt u hold on these questions is too keen,
at least u are welcomed here in china, because of your white color(maybe
black, yellow, sallow, pale, red, green), i am sure u like being asked
better than being cursed. a complimentary question: do you like being
surrounded by chinese? current answer:well, to be frank, i feel i am
a celebrity here, and this is the reason of my long stay in china. i love
this great country.
woodentown
sorry, a slip of tongue. i wrote current answer in stead of correct
answer
woodentown
Woodentown, go to the Ren Da English corner. Many of these questions are so
real and not from the mouths of youngsters. I like to go to the English
corner to be difficult with them and they seem to enjoy it:)
bert
For the Beijing Opera one, I always reply that I am opposed to cruelty to
animals. When they ask why, I proceed to demonstrate how Beijing Opera is
performed by putting a cat under your arm and squeezing ...
waoaoaoaoaiiiaaaoaoooo.
They either get offended or laugh and agree,
either of which response suits me fine.
Filthy Stinking no.9
These french comments are popping up everywhere, and are not relevant to
the posts, who else thinks that they are comment spam?
ACB
Hilarious.
Mignon Chang [euphrosynemazemind@gmail.com]
As per the "Are you American?" question, I like to mix that one up. Some
times I'm American, sometimes English, sometimes Hong Kong'er, and
sometimes Spanish. I think my next task is going to be to convince a cabbie
I'm German and spend the entire ride teaching him pure gibberish and
passing it off as German.
Nate
To Woodentown:
Yes, being asked those questions is better than being
cursed. But all too often (well, actually once is too often, but it
happened multiple times) while living in a small town in China as one of
only 2 foreiners in the county, young people walked up and said "F*** You!"
right to my face. Do not pretend that these people did not know what they
were saying, and do not pretend that foreigners are always welcome in
China. How is walking into a classroom on September 12 and being asked "Do
you like bin Laden?" at all welcoming? Is this part of the "honor" of
speaking to a foreigner?
I had many wonderful experiences living in rural China, and I have some wonderful, life-long friends. I am sure that my career will keep me in contact with China for many years to come. But I will always remember those people who cursed and laughed and wonder what the true thoughts are behind the innane and sometimes offensive questions.
Beth
Beth,
Wow! What on earth made them say F*** U? That idiot and the Sept 12th question is too bad. I find they are rude or want to make you loose face on purpose. At least most of them are not like that...I think. They think because you are not middle kingdom people that you have no honor. Meanwhile they are picking their nose with the same finger they just wiped with. Go figure.
bert
Bert
Honor is a Japanese concept, face is the Chinese version, they might sound the same to a foreigner, but believe me they're not.
The Chinese have almost no honor as honor is seen from Japan because it also includes eticate and manners. This is one reason why people in Japan look down on the Chinese and the Americans, but look at the British on an 'almost' equal basis.
ACB
Also, the Japanese sense of honour entails that one does the right thing
regardless of the circumstances. The Chinese concept of 'face' entails that
one does the right thing only if one will be caught by doing the wrong
thing.
That's why they call it "face", as in, it is a mask that one wears; a purely superficial morality.
Jim
Jim
This is one more reason why Japan and China are highly unlikely to be cordial neighbors any time soon.
When you are Japanese, China seems fundimentally dishonest because face means lying, deceiving and contriving. Japanese honor means doing non of these things and workig both to avoid a situation where you do these things, and to avoid a situation where you might push somebody else into doing these things.
It sounds like arrogance, but Japan often does look down on China, not because Japna believes itself to be better, but because it believes itself to be honorable, and China to be dishonerable. Face is part of this.
There are other reasons as well, but face is a big part.
Japanese honor was one of the reasons that so much of the country leaned towards the British system and the British way of doing things during the 19th and 20th century. British gentlemen were seen as honerable, and Britain was seen as a powerful country and a good role model on which to build a powerful Japan.
Something went wrong of course, but that is part of history now.
ACB
ACB
I agree, and well said. It's just a shame that historically speaking, the Japanese sense of honor didn't extend to those who weren't Japanese. In feudal, and later imperialist Japan, non-Japanese were considered barbarians and without honor, and thus were not entitled to be treated with such. Credit goes to the British for showing them that perhaps they were mistaken, although the actions of the British Empire are not easily defended either. It could well be said that that imperialist Japan mimicked the British Empire's strengths, and also its somewhat inhumane faults.
Jim
A lot of the foreigners who showed up in Japan were actually uncivilised
barbarians (eg sailors) or were misionaries looking to convert Japan. Japan
wasn't having any of that and it threw them out.
I believe that the Chinese also tried to do the same during the boxer revolution etc, only Chia lost.
Yes yes!! This is what I have been looking for. I see now. I am wrapped up
in concepts of honor, manners and in some cases etiquette. These have
meaning to me. Face has always sounded like excuses for lying, cheating and
stealing but no one ever said it! Now I must figure out how to merge living
in a face based society with my own ideals that seem closer to the
Japanese.
I sure have alot more to learn about face. Whew. That one still
boggles my mind!